The breaking point came one afternoon as I tried to hash out who was picking up Baby Girl from daycare. I had to cover a school board meeting and was out of frozen breast milk.

Giving her formula wouldn’t be the end of the world, Jared said.

But it felt like it to me.

Breastfeeding is the one thing I can still do that makes me feel like I’m giving her the best start possible. I feel guilty leaving her at daycare every day. Her caregivers are great, but they’re not me. Between trying to get stories finished and covering meetings and other evening activities, our quality time together is sparse.

When I found out I was pregnant, it felt like the end of the world and I feared exactly what my life has become. I had spent years working hard and had found what I thought could be my forever job at The Missoulian.

I thought I would be a modern woman, one who needs to work to be happy and who takes pride in modeling equality for my daughter.

Turns out, I am not.

 

In August, I sat in my editor’s office and told her I thought I would be bored and ready to come back to work after six weeks. She said to just plan on taking the full three months. In October, I was distraught about returning to work in mid-November and was giddy with thankfulness when my boss said to take off more time if I wanted. I wanted. I desperately wanted. So I ended up taking five months — time that softened the heartbreak of returning to work, but that didn’t eliminate it.

So today, despite having supportive bosses and coworkers, I choose something different. I choose to concentrate on my child instead of splitting my time between her and work and feeling like I’m not doing either one as well as I should.

I hope I’ll write again and I’ll probably regret stepping away in a few years. All I know is that I have regrets about spending so little time with Baby Girl now.

By moving to my husband’s family farm on the Hi-Line I will have time, lots of it. Probably too much of it. The change will be drastic, but I am happy with the decision and excited about more time as a family and flexibility to spend more time with my family on the East Coast.

But before I go, thank you.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Doing so has helped me see my life with a certain clarity and honesty that has led me to this point. And thank you for sharing your stories with me and the patience you have expended in telling me those stories. I am honored by the way Missoulians have welcomed me into their homes, offices and lives.

For now, though, goodbye.